Did I offend you?

Wildfire podcast is an extension of Wildfire Ministries, an organization that has a focus of igniting men and women of God into a deeper discipleship with Christ, instilling them with a passion to radically and relentlessly pursue Christ wherever that leads, that God's truth will spread like a wildfire.

Hey everyone, how's it going?

So welcome to another podcast.

I'm joined with Peter.

Hi everyone.

How's it going, Peter?

It's going well.

Look, although I'm slightly annoyed because we told everyone that last week, which was Exodus, was going to be our first week where we used the video camera.

And we did use it for about 10 minutes until the battery ran out.

Yeah, so you live and you learn.

However, the camera is on, so we'll wave at you now.

But apart from that, we're going to have a discussion facing each other because that's the whole point of the podcast itself.

So Peter, we're going to be talking about becoming unoffendable.

The title of this here podcast is Did I Offend You?

Okay, so do you think that we are easily offended?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, have you heard this term microaggressions?

This thing going on?

Actually, I haven't, no.

No?

It's been pushing me into America.

Thankfully, it hasn't come here yet.

But it's the idea that you can aggravate someone by something you say, which is fair enough, like people do get aggravated by things, but microaggressions are things that you do accidentally that offend people, and you should still be held accountable for them.

Okay.

So you can offend people, I'm not even mean to do it, and you're still responsible.

Yeah.

So I think people can get offended very easily just looking at that.

Totally.

And just the whole cancel culture as well.

So if something does offend enough people on Twitter, the hashtags go crazy until that thing is eradicated from the face of the earth.

Yep.

So the reality is it's the cost of freedom of speech for people to say what they want in order for people to say what we want.

We should not restrict them, but rather we should work on ourselves and how we receive that and how we engage with that.

So we are going to be discussing this whole topic now in this podcast.

We're going to tell people how do they respond in a godly way towards conflict, problems, obstacles, and to basically give people an insight as to how you can approach it, how you can respond.

This can be an emotionally infused issue, which is the problem.

We are so quick to speak, we are so quick to assume the worst, we are so quick to do what is wrong, and we are so quick to go to the same level as the person who's actually starting the conflict.

So we're going to break this down into sort of four things.

We're going to discuss how to become unoffendable.

We're going to highlight four different ways people respond to conflict and place ourselves on that, which is going to be pretty fun.

We're going to highlight a story from the Old Testament, heck yeah, 2 Chronicles 20, how Jehoshaphat, that's right, right?

Yeah, cool.

Dealt with a major problem.

It was a combatant one or a military one, but I think there's some good principles that we can extract from that.

And then we're going to then highlight a few other observations and practical tools that can aid people in this area of dealing with conflict, all of which will be rooted in scripture.

Yeah.

Okay, so I asked you earlier, do you think we get easily offended?

You said yes.

Why do you think this?

Well, first of all, I think even if you're not a person that gets offended easily or even struggles with conflict, I think it's something we still need to look at because in every marriage will face conflict at some point.

Every deep friendship will face conflict over a deep issue at some point.

Even your friendships with your workmates and run issues that like high stress situations at work, those kind of things.

Everyone will face conflict at some point in their lives, even with your children or anyone who's been in that situation.

And with siblings, look at how I both have siblings, and I'd say that's probably where the brunt of our conflicts come from.

But in terms of why we get offended, I think it's because we place ourselves in the position of highest importance.

Essentially, like, I am the most important person in my life, so whatever offends me should offend everyone else.

And whatever offends me, that's how everyone else should operate as well.

They shouldn't say anything that offends me, because I'm the most important person.

Which we're all guilty of.

We're all guilty of pride in some regards.

Okay, so you're saying that conflict can be symptomatic of self-egoism, or this pride, that it's about me, it's about my sensitivities and how you should cater towards that.

When the reality of the gospel message is it's about the other person, and it's about how we make them comfortable, and how we should be self-sacrificial in our love towards them.

Even, I think in Matthew chapter 7, Christ says to take the plank out of your own eye before you point out the speck in your brother's eye.

So, it's just by looking at yourself first before you look at others.

Yeah, totally.

But also, the first thing that happened after the fall in Genesis 3 was the conflict and the breakup of human relations between Adam and Eve.

That was the first thing that went.

Of course.

So, that's just a result of sin.

And especially some quick fixes that I have, some verses that I found especially were Proverbs 9, 19, 11, which says, Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it's too slow to overlook an offence.

So just another example is just, look, you overlook things, if you can overlook it, then do it.

And it's of no harm to you.

Just put yourself in the lower position and overlook the offence.

And one more verse before we go into those four categories you talked about earlier is just Proverbs 27, 6, which says, Faithful are the winds of a friend, the first are the winds of a friend.

So it's the idea of, I think that the second part of that verse I've written that down wrong, but it's Faithful are the winds of a friend.

It's essentially the idea that sometimes people say things that hurt you, but you need to try and extract the good you can't live with.

Maybe they're saying that for your own good.

So look, if, for example, if you were in sin, like I came up to you, you might get offended if I told you you were in sin, but then you have to assume the best about the other person there doing it for your own good.

Totally.

So it's that idea that you're coming towards me, and that's what's something that we need to get better at, as in assume the best in the other person and how they're approaching me.

And then actually say, like Ephesians 4 says, about speaking truth and love is how it will grow.

I can then imagine if I could conclude that every brother and sister in Christ is coming to me towards love, so that's just a default.

So whenever they're coming to rebuke me, I know that it's in love.

So now I need to extract the truth of the statement or the truth of the thing that they're giving me, and not be so narcissistic and completely say, you know, your point's not relevant here, go away or respond in some means of conflict, or at least create a conflict.

I would say that you talked about the fall.

Within the fall, we became corrupt.

Even the morality that is within us is made defective and becomes thwarted by our sinful nature.

So Romans 2 talks about the morality that God has placed in our heart.

And then I've got a few verses that talk about this.

So it says in Proverbs 12, 15, the way of a fool is right in his own eyes.

Proverbs 16, all the ways of a man are clean in his own sight.

And even if you read in Judges, I think it is that they did right in their own eyes.

So it's that whole idea that we have this perception that what we do is right.

And it's so construed or mixed up by our sin.

And that's why we always have to have people who hold us accountable.

And you know what I mean?

People who can give us direction.

And so I think that's an important point to understand.

The thwarted nature and sin has even made our own, our own capabilities to perceive things is just totally distorted.

So that's something that we have to understand, that we're looking through this and through broken glass.

And so we need to get other people's point of views to see more clearly into the problem.

And 1 Corinthians 15, Romans 5, Job 31, Psalm 51, all talk about the inerrant sinful nature that is within us.

And you can go read those passages for yourself.

They're pretty transparent and revealing to who we are.

Romans 3 is another passage, Peter.

Yeah, I'll read that for sure.

So Romans 3 says, There is no one righteous, not even one.

There is no one who understands.

There is no one who seeks God.

All have turned away.

They have together become worthless.

There is no one who does good, not even one.

Their throats are open graves.

Their tongues practice deceit.

The poison of vipers is on their lips.

Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.

Their feet are swift to the shed blood.

Rain and misery mark their ways.

And the way of peace they do not know.

There is no fear of God before their eyes.

Yeah, so if you actually read the context of the passage and what Paul is saying, there's an applicability there that is to us all.

To the Jew and to the Gentile and the like.

And it's just talking about our sinful nature.

And how they're, especially in that topic, where that context that Paul is saying is, is that nobody that he could see was doing good.

Everything was being distorted.

Isaiah 64 says that all of our righteous acts are like filthy rags.

So Romans 7 also says, For I know that good in itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

So it's that that inner morality is there, it's present, it's defective, but I don't even have the power myself to accomplish it.

And it also then goes on to say, For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.

And now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So again, there's that highlighting of the sinful nature, that broken glass that we're looking through, which I think is something that we need to understand that whenever you're dealing with conflicts and problems, you are a part of that.

Yeah.

It's about having that, again, that humility to recognise, is there something I'm doing within this that needs to be addressed?

And I've heard it said as well before that even if you only have, if you're only at 2% of fault of the conflict, you're 2%, 100% of the way.

So, apologise, take responsibility.

That's nice.

I like that point.

But the sin doesn't end there, of course, because we've got salvation.

2 Corinthians 5 talks about how we're new creatures.

1 Corinthians 6 talks about how we're holy temples for the Holy Spirit to reside within us.

1 John 3 talks about that we are children of God.

Look at the love that he's lavished on us, okay?

So, the reality is that yes, we were sinners, but now we are saved by grace with salvation, okay?

And we've got the Spirit of God residing within us, and we can operate within that.

We can have clarity within that, and we can respond to conflicts in a godly way because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, continually in our lives.

Yeah.

And I think, like, there's just so many scriptures there to say how much we fail.

Yes.

It's just, it's impossible to really improve.

And also, Galatians 5.17 says, Yet we still fail in sin.

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit what is contrary to the flesh.

They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.

So, yeah.

Exactly.

So we are sinful in nature, then we have salvation, but yet we still sin, we still fail, and this is self-evident in conflicts especially.

And it's that whole idea, well, that's because the spirit is against the flesh, the flesh against the spirit.

There's this conflict, and you yourself must make the decision to respond and walk in the spirit, especially with regards to conflicts.

So again, it's that idea just extracting yourself from the situation in order to highlight conflicts and resolve and respond to them in a godly way.

Okay, so whenever something happens or someone says something, you should not be dictated by this because you're not under the flesh anymore.

You have the spirit of God residing within us, and it's important that we deny ourselves.

And this is difficult enough.

However, it's most difficult when it is instinctive.

So you know the idea of everything in the flesh, there's nothing good comes out of the flesh.

Well, so often or not, conflicts, conflict scenarios put us in a position where we're instinctively responding, instinctively in the flesh especially.

So it's like, if you say something to me, I just, I'm not able to control myself.

It's just, oh, you're, you know what I mean?

You might go aggressive.

You might slide the other person off.

You might level with that person in the conflict.

So it's that idea of, yes, it's the sinful nature, but what you need to do is remember that you're walking in the spirit.

And in conflict scenarios, that's very difficult to do.

It's about giving yourself a bit of breathing room here as to what is the correct approach?

How am I going to respond?

So people like myself seem to think that there's always one option, one response, and that's to speak, but there is two.

Ecclesiastes 3.7 says, a time to speak and a time to be silent, which is very important, especially in conflict scenarios.

You know what I mean?

If you've got nothing of any substance or of any value or anything that's going to neutralize the current situation that you're in, then you're most, yeah, you're better remaining silent.

Yeah, because you can just add to the conflict.

Things just get worse and worse.

If you don't take time to think about your words.

And it's the idea as well that since we are in a narcissistic state and we think ourselves highest, we don't want to leave them with the last word.

It's always like those arguments you see on TV where someone says something and then just the person's leaving, they mutter something under their breath just so they can in their own minds, be the winner of the argument.

They don't even win the argument, but they just want to be the winner in their own minds.

So it's just that idea that you don't have to say something if it's not beneficial.

Yeah, totally.

And then there's Proverbs, Proverbs 17.

This was coined, I'm pretty sure, or renovated by Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah.

It is better for people to think you're full than to speak and remove all doubt.

That's Abraham Lincoln's version, isn't it?

Yes, yeah.

But that's totally based off the Proverb that's given in Proverbs 17.

So if you decide to speak, how should you respond, Peter?

Well, I think it's important to extract yourself from your emotions, which is hard to do for a lot of people because we are emotional beings.

Yeah.

But just respond the way that you've considered.

Don't just say something off the top of your head.

Take the time to think about it.

Even if it's something that's really offended you, but you know it shouldn't, that's something silly.

Then even if you do say something that's going to be stupid, then don't say anything at all.

Just take the time and think about it.

But if you're going to say something, try and make it in a way that...

Try and make it in a way that...

I'm trying to say this diplomatically as well.

Try and say it in a way that you're just not going to offend them back.

Say it in a way that's going to actually mend the situation.

So you're learning maybe why they said that thing.

So you can get the reasons behind it.

Maybe they have genuine reasons like we said earlier.

That kind of thing.

So yeah, totally.

And just operate within the fritz of the spirit.

Let your words be seasoned with salt.

Look at the life of Jesus and how he dealt things.

James says that your tongue, it is a world of fire, a world of evil.

Again, recognize the problem and the threat of your tongue.

And recognize that that's something that needs tamed.

Because so often or not, we don't think that, we're just so flippant in our speech and our conversation.

And this is where it requires discipline elsewhere.

You know what I mean?

Whenever you're limiting yourself and exhibiting self-control in other conversations, this will help you whenever you deal with complex, because you've trained yourself to not just be so flippant in your speech or to speak.

Something that I do wrong quite a lot, quite often, is I do, in hindsight, look back and say, okay, I could have said that better, that wasn't the best way to put that.

But again, because of my own pride and arrogance, I don't want to go and apologize for it, because I just think they'll think less of me, or that's just a weak thing today.

I need to just shut up about it.

Because in truth, they probably have forgotten about it, but it shows authenticity to go up and say, okay, I said this yesterday.

I'm sorry for putting it this way.

I could have worded that better.

Yeah, and that's difficult, but you know what I mean?

People are listening to that.

The difficult part is not hearing what we're saying.

It's about applying it.

So apply it.

So whenever you're faced with an antagonistic circumstance, two options, speak, but do so with those verses, season, salt, and thinking about the other person, or be silent.

Take a step back, exhibit self-control, don't operate within the flesh, okay?

So that's sort of point number one we're trying to highlight.

Weenie, what do I mean by that, Peter?

Shout out to the porch for this.

So weenie is an acronym and it sort of highlights like the four different responses you can take in conflicts.

So W is to withhold from the conflict, A is to escalate, N is to approach it with a negative lens, or I is to invalidate.

So whenever you get into a conflict, you withhold as in I don't approach this, I'm leaving, you flee, run away, get as far away as the conflict as possible.

A is escalate, that is to, there's a problem, let's resolve this and do it now.

N is to approach it with a negative lens.

There's a problem, you come up with me with like chastisement or a rebuke or something, it's like, oh, you know what, you're a horrible person, do you know what I mean?

Go away.

And then I is to invalidate, that is to just invalidate the other person's feelings.

Like if I'm offended and I come approach to you and I'm penalty and say it, that's sort of antagonize me a wee bit there and you say, oh, just shut up, you know what I mean?

Toughen up.

There's a time and place for that, to be honest with you.

But you can't be invalidating about it, about the other person.

You have to have empathy.

So what are you, Peter?

Probably a combination of the last three, to be honest.

You escalate.

You approach it with a negative lens and you also invalidate the other person.

I've been the type of person to say, man up.

So this resolves this.

You're wrong.

Deal with it and don't approach me with anything.

It's like all three on the go.

Probably more.

Overall, I'd say I'm an escalator.

Yes.

I like getting things dealt with, even if it's not dealt very well.

I think I just want to get out of the way and totally dealt with.

I'm the same.

Escalator.

And then we watch a funny sermon where whenever you, especially, we're going to highlight this later, but predicaments arise where you've picked two people who respond to you.

So one withholds, one escalates.

So a person who withholds says, I don't want to deal with the conflict and they go away.

And then like the other person could be like a spouser in a relationship, a friend say, come back here, I want to resolve this now.

So the reality is, there's four there.

We shouldn't invalidate what people say.

We should treat with empathy and love and respect.

And we shouldn't take things with a negative lens, that's the whole point.

Don't take things so personally.

I know that's easier said than done, but if you actually were to exercise that in your life, it would truly benefit your life and the lives of others.

It's also a little important to know which style you are, because everyone will naturally have a style, so it helps everyone if you're able to say, okay, just, like Luke and I both know our different styles, so it's easy to, so whenever we do have a conflict, we know which way, how we're going to respond, so we can anticipate how we deal with it.

Escalate, when I was writing, it's good, because the person has the motive to get this resolved.

However, you do want to become oppressive and aggressive, and then that creates a conflict in and of itself, and then with hold is in, you know what I mean, if you keep on fleeing your problems, then you won't be able to address it or resolve them.

So the reality is, but you can, you know what I mean, there is times where you need to withhold and be silent, that's true, and there is a time where you need to resolve that conflict.

So you know what I mean, it's just about recognizing where you are in this, reflect, and how can you improve.

So the third thing that we want to highlight is 2 Chronicles 20, which is a really interesting story about Jehoshaphat.

He was basically faced with three different armies were coming at him, and he was the minority army, obviously, and this was a serious problem, and he went to go out with it.

And I think whenever you read the passage, there's certain things you can highlight, and I actually think if you were to do what Jehoshaphat did, it would actually truly help you with your conflict.

So Jehoshaphat said, we do not have the power to face this vast army.

He recognized his own inability, the flesh.

That's what we need to do, recognize how we can't deal with things.

We don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you.

Look to Jesus, look to the Spirit that resides within you.

He set himself to seek the Lord, pray, take a breath.

What's the most Godly approach?

The battle belongs to the Lord and no one else.

See the shift.

So he went from the earthly lens, which was himself, and then now he's a heavenly lens.

This belongs to God.

Every conversation, every conflict, this belongs to God.

And our God is bigger than any problem.

So if you have that perspective, it truly helps.

And then stand firm and see the deliverance that the Lord will give.

And then Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing praises to the Lord.

So remember that on your part, you need to try and resolve the conflict as best you can, and that's all you can do.

It's then up to the other person, how they're going to approach it.

So you come with humility and say, this resolve this, and if they don't want to, give them the space and the time, no matter how long that takes.

And also appointed men to sing praises to the Lord, give God the glory for conflict resolution.

Give God the glory for everything that you do, for your breath, for the things you eat and drink, and for the friendships that you have, and for God maintaining and preserving that.

So that was just a little story.

You can read that and extract those principles, but that should be a nice foundation.

So Peter, is there any other practical principles you'd like to say before we end this?

Yeah, I think a good way to think about problems is just the problem you're facing today is an opportunity for God to do for you or through you what you cannot do for yourself.

It's like that idea with Jehoshaphat, problems are just opportunities when you treat them as such, or a problem not anticipated is a problem, but a problem anticipated is an opportunity.

So if you don't expect conflict, when it comes, you will respond in an emotional way and then go into one of those four styles in the worst possible way.

But if you always anticipate you're gonna have a conflict, which like we said, it's probably inevitable at some point, because no one's perfect.

Totally.

Then that's the opportunity to show grace and the first of the spirit in the way you respond to that person and the way you resolve that conflict.

Totally.

Like we do need to differentiate between problems and predicaments.

Predicaments are things that we treat as problems but aren't, and that creates conflicts.

For example, if you have a certain style of thinking, especially in like marriages, if this person likes to stay up late and you don't, and you like to get up early, the reality is you just, you are both different there.

That's a predicament, okay?

And if they try and then say like, this is something that needs to be resolved, you need to change, you need to change, okay?

They treat it as a problem that needs to be resolved, okay?

When it's not a resolvable, it's a predicament.

It's just the way you are, okay?

So if you, yeah, if you treat it like a predicament, then it's, or if you treat it like a problem, it's not, it's a predicament, something that you can't resolve.

And so if you treat it like a problem, you're going to keep resolving and you'll end up like you can't, and that will create more conflicts.

So it's about actually recognizing, is this a problem or is this a predicament?

Yeah, so a predicament, Luke and I have found ourselves in is, Luke wants me to take him bodyboarding, but the predicament is, I know he's not a very good bodyboarder.

So the problem will be, if I take him bodyboarding and he sucks, which he will, it'll be hard to get a coach him in that way.

So the predicament and the way, solution I find is to just keep him away from the water as much as possible, so he doesn't get in the water.

Wow, that's good.

Thank you for that.

No, I will say this about, look, he is probably, out of everyone I know, the person who is slagged off the most, roasted, he's very easy to roast.

Anyone ever seen Flushed Away?

He even doesn't do himself.

I wasn't even going to bring up the Flushed Away thing.

Flushed Away, there's an animated movie called Flushed Away with an animated mouse, and people say I look like that.

Even my leavers said there was a video.

It felt like an R.

It was just my image on the Flushed Away image.

It was there forever.

Yeah, but Look never takes it personally.

He's an example of a person who just doesn't respond emotionally.

Just takes it, and he just slags you back as well occasionally.

I think he could probably do it more often if he wanted to.

He would get away with it.

But that's just an example of a way you can just, you just take these principles and apply them.

And then it looks done.

And you don't need to get offended by every single little microaggression.

Totally, totally.

So, first of all, don't forget, don't flee, don't fight, face your conflicts.

And then we're going to end with a nice little metaphor.

So basically, there's this idea of a sculpting metaphor.

So you have this big block of ice and then someone's going to try and sculpt a beautiful masterpiece.

The rookie comes along with a hammer, and in one blow, he tries to hit it, and tries to create this beautiful masterpiece in one blow, you get me?

But the reality is you can't do that.

Then there's the master sculptor, he comes along, and he just has a small little hammer, and he just little bits, one at a time, in order to get that masterpiece.

And the reality is, we are so often like the rookies there, where we just do not have any determination towards conflicts.

We try and think that we can just put a stick of plaster on it, resolve it, let's go straight away.

But you know what I mean?

The master sculptor recognizes that it's going to take time, it's going to take diligence, it's going to take patience.

And in conflicts, we need patience, we need diligence, we need determination, because we're dealing with broken, sinful people.

But if we recognize that, come with humility and love, then conflicts will not be so prevalent.

And also, we won't have those types of being offended, really.

So again, did I offend you in that podcast, Peter?

No, I actually would have liked that, I would have been funny.

I couldn't think of anything at the start, that was going to be the intro, I couldn't think of anything.

But that's it for this podcast, guys, and we hope you enjoyed it on the camera, and those listening, and we shall see you next time.