Transcript from the podcast (so sorry for the spelling mistakes)
Wildfire podcast is an extension of Wildfire ministries, an organization that has a focus of igniting men and women of God into a deeper discipleship with Christ, instilling them with a passion to radically and relentlessly pursue Christ wherever that leads, that God's truth will spread like a wildfire.
Hi, everyone, welcome to the...
No, seriously, this is it.
Oh, is that going?
Oh, we're actually...
Yeah, we're going.
This is the actual podcast.
Hello, Wildfire podcasters.
Hello.
That's what I'm going to start calling them now.
Wildfire podcasters.
As you can see, I'm not joined by Peter, so that's happening.
And I'm basically really excited because as I was talking to you about this earlier, you know what I mean?
I get to do basically a lot more than what I wouldn't be able to do if I was with Peter, you know what I mean?
Because there's times where if I get a little bit too excitable or impassioned, then Peter would give me like the Peter stare, you know what I mean?
That's known, on camera, nobody can see it, obviously on mics, whenever there's no camera recording, you can't see it because you can't see anything.
But he'd basically just give me a look and then I would know.
I would know to like, yeah, I need to shut up.
Anyway, Peter's not here, we're joined with Mr.
Jake Speers.
Who are you?
Why are you here?
I'm Jake.
I'm 17.
I'm in Dominic College.
I'm number 6.
I study English, RE and Sport.
I'm not sure, am I meant to say this?
Yeah.
Okay, that's alright.
I don't know.
You can go close to the mic as well if you want.
And I'm here to talk about my story with mental health.
So yeah, Luke brought me along, and basically just talk about mental health.
But thank you for having me.
You're welcome.
Thank you for coming on.
So yeah, Jake, just put a little spoiler in.
In this podcast, we're going to be talking about mental health.
It seems to be a topic that people say it's very relevant, it's very current, but it's been current since Adam and Eve were created in the Garden of Eden, and it has been ever since.
And whenever I was like, search up definitions of mental health, basically your condition with regards to your psychological or emotional well-being.
And so that's everyone, because our life is comprised of how we feel.
Everything that we do is based off a feeling or to try and avoid feelings.
So we're going to be talking about it, especially now more than ever.
It seems like there's a climate where the mental, emotional state of people is at an all-time low.
depression rates seem to be at an all-time high.
Anxiety seems absolutely rampant.
And obviously there's the context of a global pandemic as well to add to that.
So we want to first lay out a little disclaimer.
First of all, that we are not mental health experts by no means.
Not at all.
And obviously, you've got psychologists, doctors, therapists, counselors, and these are the people that you should listen to.
And we are definitely, hopefully not going to say anything that is at odds with what they are saying to you.
And we're just here to give our perspective.
And the whole point of Wildfire podcast is that we provide a springboard for everyone to go and search these topics for themselves.
Mental health also more than ever is a topic that's very stigmatized and maybe isn't talked about as much.
It's starting to get talked about a little bit more.
But people say they don't want to talk about it in case they say something wrong.
It's a very fragile and emotional topic.
And it's like walking on eggshells.
But we want to create an environment where we can talk about our emotional well-being.
We can talk about our feelings.
And by doing so, we'll start to understand people better, understand what they're going through, and probably get better language around the topic to help people understand.
And so people can know that they're not alone and that this isn't a minority thing, but rather almost every single person has an emotional well-being.
And every single person has felt stress, anxiety, fear, and has felt a sadness.
And we're going to talk about depression as well.
Of course, we can talk about everything in this podcast, but we'll make it quite clear what we are going to talk about.
So that's a disclaimer.
I'm going to provide a little bit of a little bit of con...
I'm going to be speaking a lot here at the start.
So be prepared for that.
And then the whole point is I'll speak, and whenever I'm done, you're going to tell your story, your narrative, and then maybe we'll see what time we're at.
I'm going to ask you some questions.
And if the camera cuts out at any point, and all of a sudden, it's just a graphic on your screen, the battery's died on the camera.
Basically, that's what's happened there.
So bit of context.
So whenever God created us, it says that he created us in his image, in the Omega day, that is in the image of God.
And a part of that image was God created us as emotional, emotional creatures.
He instilled in us feelings.
And that is a part of the totality of the image of God.
So what we don't want to do is we don't want to get to a point where we're trying to diminish our feelings or trying to remove our feelings because those are given by God.
But if you think that whenever God created the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve, the world was perfect, and there was this perfect balance with regards to our emotional wellbeing, to the way that we felt there was a perfect balance.
And then whenever sin came into the world, suddenly humans had the capacity for that balance to become imbalanced.
And it can go either side.
More so on this side, it can go on a downward scale.
And so your need to control things or your care and concerns for people turned into stress and anxiety.
stress and anxiety over your inability to control things, over your inability to control your health, other people's health, over the death of loved ones.
And then we've talked about like exams, school, education.
All of these things cause stress and worry and anxiety.
And the way I'm going to talk about it instead of saying like anxiety and fear and depression and all of these things, I'm gonna umbrella term that as the emotional balance.
Because it started off as a perfect balance, but now we all have the capacity.
Every single person on this planet has the capacity for that emotional balance to become imbalanced.
So we don't want people thinking and sitting there, oh, mental health is not applicable for me because all of us have feelings.
All of us were created that way.
And all of us so often, every day almost, that imbalance comes into our lives whereby we stress too much, we worry too much, we have too much anxiety, we have too much sadness.
And feelings of depression can become lifelong seasons in our life.
And this is something that we don't want.
So with the context being laid, point number one, what I want to say is that there is things whereby your brain can be chemically imbalanced.
So there's chemical imbalances that appear in your brain, and they require medicated treatment in order for that to be resolved.
And so that is something whereby you can approach your doctor or psychologist with that, and they will give the correct prescription.
But what should be a constant acknowledgement for every person is that there, I would ask my doctor at least like is there a threshold?
Is there a point where like the medication needs to be working?
And if it's not working up to that point, that threshold, then I need to stop the medication as opposed to increase it.
So I'm like, what's the threshold?
When should this medication be working?
And if it's not working by that point, the marker that they've gave, then what I'm not going to do is I'm going to add medication.
I'm going to, because to me then there must be another problem.
It mustn't be the chemical imbalance as such.
There must be a different route that needs to be addressed.
So that's something that I would say, because so often, you don't want to be on medication that you don't need to be on, and especially with medication that can provide a lot of side effects and can actually make your condition worse than what it needs to be.
So that's just a little preliminary point, something that I thought about.
Number two is, the question is, is mental health a sin?
So is fear, anxiety, depression, are these things a sin?
And so the conclusion that we've come to whenever I'm reading God's Word is that mental health is not a sin in and of itself, but rather has been made possible by sin.
So we talked about the perfect world, whereby stress, fear, anxiety, depression wouldn't have existed.
But because of the sinful world, it was made possible.
Humans all had now the capacity to experience that imbalance in whatever area you want to choose, and whatever area you want to focus on.
And so that's what we would say.
So we don't want people feeling like, oh, I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I have this fear, I have depression, so I'm in sin.
There has to be that differentiation between, no, that has been made possible by sin.
That is to say, it was never the intended will of God.
It was never the father heart of God.
Whenever he was designing and creating the universe, that you would feel anxious, feel fearful, that you would feel this depression.
Rather, God's will was for you to abide in him, and to abide in Christ is to abide in complete love, perfect love, perfect joy, perfect peace.
And so mental health and the problems that come with it has been made possible by sin, but it is not a sin in and of itself.
And we've got to be wary that we're still in the flesh, and we're in a world where there is massive temptations, massive triggers that can cause that anxiety, that stress, that fear, and that depression, that emotional imbalance that we're describing as.
But there's also an enemy, this is a reality.
There is an enemy prowling around, seeking whom he may devour.
And to attack the mental state of God's followers, the mental state of those who do not know Christ as a way to deter them from a relationship with Christ is one of the devil's main weapons, is the devil.
Oh, Gaza.
Yeah.
Gaza's ringing you.
That's ringing me.
That's distracting.
Gazatron.
So, there is an enemy who is seeking to destroy you, and he will absolutely go for your mental state, and he will use all the triggers in this world, technology being one of the most major ones, to do that.
And so, it's important to constantly be self-aware, constantly be aware of that threat of the flesh, of the temptation, and of the devil who will exploit both the flesh and the temptation that is out there.
Point number three that we want to say is that the permanent habitation of stress, of fear, of anxiety, of depression, can yield simple practices, or implications, or effects.
So, that is to say, for example, whenever you get stressed, a byproduct for that means that you're on edge, which means whenever you're with your family or with your friends, you might snap at them, or you might get cross.
So, it's that permanent habitation and a stressful state of mind, a fearful state of mind, a sad state of mind.
And these emotional imbalances can cause us to interact with people and can cause us to sin against people, and can cause us to sin against God.
So it's important to be aware of those things.
And it's sort of a vicious cycle, because whenever you get into that stressful, fearful emotional imbalance, and those lead to sinful implications or effects or lifestyles or praxis like the one we named, where you get cross and you can derive the origin of that is because you're stressed.
And whenever you do that, then you're in sin.
Sin leaves you feeling empty and hollow and guilty and shameful.
And so that only compounds the already stressful state, fearful state, whatever the emotional balance that you want to insert into your life, that already compounds the already existing problem that's in your life.
Yeah, like, that's what I know from my own personal experience from it is I'd go from being so happy, and then within 10 seconds later, I'd be so angry, and then I'd be like snapping.
But yeah, certainly from my own personal experience, you do get so many ups and downs.
Exactly.
And you change, you can change so quickly between, you know, you'd be normal, and then you'd be so angry, and then you'd feel horrible.
And then you'd be happy, and then you'd just snap into the state of anger, and you'd say things you regret.
And that's not, I know what you mean by the emotional, the emotional imbalance, like, it wrecks.
So yeah, so much of it is by getting consistency.
Yeah.
Is by getting a disciplined lifestyle that can eradicate that type of emotional imbalance and that inconsistency.
And we're going to talk about that in this podcast.
What?
I was supposed to stop at 15 minutes.
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Anyway, the fourth point that we want to make is that the emotional imbalance can be symptomatic of a deeper existing problem.
So that's why it's constantly important that we as humans are always self-reflective.
I examine myself every morning and every night, and look at how my day went and how I interacted with people, and how disciplined I was with reading the Lord's Word and praying, and how I abided in Christ, and also just sort of self-reflecting on where I am at emotionally, and where God wants me to be.
And so it's important that we're able to reflect, and we're able to acknowledge our problems.
That's why it's important that we have other people that we can go to whenever our emotional state is not the best, because they're able to see the problem that we can't because we're clouded.
But we can start to get into that discipline of self-reflection if your emotional state isn't fluctuating as such.
But again, it can be symptomatic of an existing problem, and that's important to acknowledge.
Is there a deeper issue here?
Where is this fear, this anxiety, this stress coming from?
Is it coming from that specific circumstance?
Or is it symptomatic of something far deeper that needs to be addressed?
And so we're going to talk in the next wee bit about what are some of those symptoms?
What are the origins of that emotional imbalance?
And it's about resolving those and understanding those and getting some practical tools within those that can actually allow us to gauge that emotional balance, be self-reflective and be pragmatic as to how we get that consistency and not that up and down lifestyle that nobody wants.
So the first one we want to highlight is identity.
Identity is so much, so often all of us are searching for who we are and why we are here.
And the Bible makes it quite clear as to who our identity is if we choose to accept it.
And if you choose to accept our relationship with God, then your identity all of a sudden is no longer a child of wrath who's in sin and is going down that path.
But instead, you are a child of love.
You're a child of God.
That's your identity.
The Bible also says that you're a holy temple, that you're a new creature, that you're a chosen nation, a royal priesthood.
God literally gives us so, so many things that tell us who we are in Christ.
And the Bible says in Galatians that is no longer I who live, but instead it is Christ who lives within me.
All things have passed away, behold the news come, for I am in Christ jesus.
So when people ask me who my identity is, I say it's no longer me, but it's Christ.
And that's where I drive my value, because I know in and of myself, I bring nothing to the table, and I know that if I drive my identity from myself, that's gonna leave me feeling empty and hollow inside.
And so often or not, we search and we find these things that just don't fill us, we think that that's who you are, that's who I am.
We think that we are, if you have children, then my identity is in my children, my identity is in my wife, my husband, my girlfriend, my mom, my dad, my sport, what I'm good at.
That's where my identity is, what I'm successful at.
That's where I drive my identity.
But it's not, the moment you realize your identity is in Christ, and it's no longer you who lives, but it's Christ who lives within me.
And actually understanding and living that out, that's the moment where you'll see a significant change.
And there's a lot of issues wrapped up within that.
There's a lot of eating disorders, for example.
They come from a place of misunderstanding of identity as well.
And that's not the only factor of eating disorders, but it's one of the significant ones.
And so often, like our stress, our anxiety, our depression, we self-reflect and we just don't know who we are, and that leaves us empty and hollow inside.
So again, it might not fit your specific emotional balance.
You might be like, no, I understand my identity.
And that's good.
You can checklist these.
It's about being able to see, or maybe it is your identity.
You don't know who you are.
It's not in Christ.
And so that maybe is the origin of the problem.
Another point we want to make is your purpose in life.
We're all searching for purpose.
What am I supposed to do with my life?
What is my vocation?
What is, if you're Christian, what does God want me to do?
What is it?
Why am I here?
What am I here to accomplish?
And whenever you're not in God's will, whenever you're going down your own path, what you want, that will also make you feel anxious, fearful and hollow inside and can lead to a lot of that emotional imbalance that appears.
It's about understanding that your purpose, the breath of God gives you your existence, the gospel, your identity, the mission God has given you to preach the good news and your expectation and hope that you will someday be with Christ.
All of those things, they all take in your purpose.
The westminster confession of Faith says that the chief end of man is to know God and then to glorify Christ.
So for those who don't know Christ, you're going to be struggling with that for the rest of your life.
You're going to be looking for things that can fill that.
And so many people have came to know Christ because they've understood that.
They know that emptiness and that holiness and they know that their purpose, their identity is in Christ.
And so it's about acknowledging that.
Another point we want to make is relationship.
Again, how good is your relationship with Christ?
Because that's ultimately going to determine what that emotional balance is all about.
So your relationship with God is based off how much are you in his word?
Because that's his word for you.
That's how you're going to grow closer to God.
How much time do you spend in God's word in comparison to other things in your life?
How much time do you spend praying in conversation with God?
How much time are you spending with your father?
Whenever you're reflecting, is your relationship with Christ?
Is it positive?
Could it be better?
And if it is faltering, if it is stumbling, you'll see a correlation between the emotional imbalance, the stress, the fear, the anxiety, the depression that you feel, whenever you're not drawing close to the one who's the source of all comfort, the Bible says.
Another point we want to make is our nature, who we are, the Bible says that we, who we are is, whilst we are made in the image of God, and that is a beautiful thing, because of sin and because of the choices that we make on a daily basis, we are sinful creatures.
We are children of wrath.
And that, ultimately, the actions of sin and that cycle leaves us feeling hollow inside, and it's a vicious cycle, and it leaves us feeling guilty, and it leaves us feeling shameful.
And if we don't know who to go to turn to, if we don't know how to confess our sins, and truly know how to experience forgiveness, and live in the freedom of Christ, and what he did in the cross, if we don't know how to live in those things, then we'll live in guilt and shame, and that will ultimately bring that emotional imbalance as well.
It will leave us in a state of mind that is totally not biblical.
Another point that we want to make is environment, which is so important.
Who do you surround yourself with?
So often not we're relational beings and lockdown as well, exasperated this, exasperated the problem that we need companionship, we need friendships, we need people who can strengthen us, who can be there, who can be there accountable, who can listen to us and talk to us and redirect us and get us on the right path.
And the Bible appeals to this.
The Bible says that a mirror reflects a man's face, but what he's really like is shown by the friends that he chooses.
And in Proverbs 18, it also says about how a person with many friends may be harmed, but there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
And you can appeal to your own life about those who have been placed in your life and have redirected you and brought you and realigned you to a path of consistency.
And so it's about getting people in your life that can be there for you.
And you may not have those people, but getting plugged into your church and actually asking people and identifying problems and say that you need accountability, you need people there for you.
Heck, I'll be there for you.
I'll be your friend.
Will be your friend.
So environment and who you surround yourself with is so important.
And then others.
So these are just other things such as work.
The Bible says that a slacker craves much but gains little.
So often or not, we want to be lazy.
We don't want to work.
We don't want to go in to do the job or do the uni work.
But the flip side of that is it's not aligning itself again with the purposes of God.
The purpose for us was to go out and cultivate and steward the earth, protect the earth, work and to do so with joy.
But now because of sin, we have this joylessness and this emptiness whenever we go to work or this procrastination.
But the flip side of that is whenever you don't work and you do what you want in the sinful nature, the implication effect of that is you feel a sense of purposelessness or this hollowness inside.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like you could do better.
But yet, it's vicious because you don't want to.
You know what I mean?
You don't want to work because you couldn't be bothered and you want to procrastinate and you'd rather do something else.
But then the effect of that is it leaves you feeling like guilty.
It leaves you feeling like empty and hollow.
The Bible says it makes you feel like a slacker, which is not where you want to be.
And you can get into that cycle whereby you keep on being in that mood, that procrastination of not being able to do anything.
And if you're not pragmatic, if you're not active in going against that, because that's a constant battle, then you're going to feel the effect of that.
You're going to feel that emotional imbalance.
It's going to cause a lot of problems.
And the Bible says like so many commands, which people like me, myself included, and it's not good where we're disobedient to them.
It says, do everything enthusiastically.
And that can be hard sometimes, but sometimes we literally have to make a conscious decision because it is a choice.
I found it in my life.
So often or not, I told myself a lie where it's like, oh, sometimes it can be too hard.
And to me, that's like the flesh, the world, the devil's like, what's that all about?
Because I've got the Spirit of God within me, I'm in a relationship.
And sometimes it can be difficult, but you've got the circumstance, whether it be work, going into work to do that nine hour shift, for example, and you feel this, oh, I don't want to do it.
And if you don't do it, then you feel that their effect of hopelessness, purposeless and that emotional imbalance, and that can pile up and you're left with the circumstance.
And that's just one circumstance.
And then you've got the choice of whether you decide, no, I'm going to be enthusiastic about it.
I'm going to be joyful.
I'm going to not complain.
And I'm going to make the best of that experience.
And I'm going to draw upon God's strength, even if it's hard.
And I'm going to do that every time, every day.
And I'm going to make an active choice to journey down that path.
Or you can go down the other path where you're like, yeah, I'm just going to sort of sit in this and be like, yeah, and try and justify, like, oh, I'm too tired or I am sad.
And you're just going to stay in there.
It is a choice, ultimately.
Like one of the crazy passages whenever jesus is going to heal a person, he says, do you want to get well?
And I feel like maybe a question is not a plethora, because so often you're like, look, I am trying and that, yeah, totally, I can't speak in everyone's circumstance.
But there's a lot of us where we have to ask ourselves on a day to day basis, do you want to get well?
Do you actually want to be joyful?
Do you want to do everything enthusiastically?
Do you want to work hard?
Do you want to understand your identity and your purpose and your relationship?
Do you want to get into God's word?
Do you want to pray?
And sometimes there's difficulty, of course, because we highlighted it earlier, there's an enemy, a problem around, but you gotta make the choice.
So there is a circumstance, but there's two choices, and it's up to you.
Are you gonna do everything enthusiastically?
Are you gonna do everything without complaining?
Are you gonna give thanks?
The Bible says, do not worry about anything, but instead, pray about everything.
jesus said, do not worry about anything.
And the Greek for that, understanding it is like, never worry, jesus, but it's talking about meditating.
So the thought of where it comes in, and then it's about actually that staying there, and becoming so negative, and running rampant in your mind.
I'm coming to the end, you'll be glad to hear.
There's so many other things like money.
So many people aspire for money, but the Bible says that love of money is the root of all evil, and that people who love money will never be satisfied by it.
And there's so much in it.
ecclesiastes talks about the futility of life again, that's referring to purposelessness.
And it's about, the end of that book says that only everything that is in Christ matters.
Anything outside of that will leave you feeling empty.
And CS.
Lewis said that with, without God, you'll either feel miserably, or succeed even more miserably.
So your failure, your success, without Christ, that will leave you feeling empty and will cause that emotional imbalance.
And the person that we want to leave you with is jesus.
jesus was the perfect example of someone who never felt that emotional imbalance.
It's important to recognize that the Bible says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
And that there is a time for weeping, there is a time for mourning, and the Bible says blessed are those who weep.
There is going to be circumstances in your life that cause sadness and cause weeping.
And what we are trying to say is those are natural things.
And the Bible totally says that that is a natural reality.
And that's okay.
And we don't want to say it, we're not trying to desensitize people to what they're going through.
We're not going to say, you can never be stressed, you can never worry, you can never fear, you can never have depression.
That's not where, that's, or never have depressed thoughts or sadness.
Because author or not, if everyone's honest, we've all sort of gone into a season of deep sadness.
And what we're saying is, what we're not trying to say is you can't be in those, you can't feel those, okay?
You can't be stressed or anxious.
But what we are trying to say is that God does not want us to be stressed or anxious or in those feelings of sadness.
God does not want us in that emotional imbalance.
And big statement, but a person who is in love with Christ and is pursuing God with everything that they have and is being obedient to God's word, they will never be able to stay permanently in a place of stress, of fear, of anxiety, or a place of depression.
That's the reality.
But if we're being honest, we don't obey everything God's word.
We do live sinful lifestyles.
We do allow stress and anxiety and worry and fear to build up.
And we do allow circumstances in our life to overwhelm us and consume us when we have a comforter, when we have a father who doesn't want us to be there and has actually given us the tools and the equipping and everything that we need to get out of that.
So again, the important thing to take from all of that is what we're not trying to say is that you can't feel these emotions or this emotional balance, but what we are trying to say is that to permanently stay within those things is not healthy and is not where God wants you to be and is not where you should be if you have the Holy Spirit living with inside of you and you're being obedient to it.
And I'm talking about stress and anxiety and worry running rampant in your life, depression running rampant in your life and taking to a place where you don't wanna be and nobody wants you to be and your heavenly father doesn't want you to be.
And so there is a phrase that I said, first of all, disclaimer, I've spent like 30 minutes.
I was supposed to be 15.
Well, 29 minutes and 13 seconds.
That camera is going to turn off.
You know what I mean?
It'll be perfect if it turned off now.
Bye!
But I'll put the graphic in, so we'll just keep on talking.
But it's an important topic.
So we're gonna keep talking about it.
There is a phrase that is saying, it's okay to not be okay.
But I don't actually, and I understand where the place where that's coming from, that phrase, but I don't actually find it particularly helpful, because to me, it's not okay to not be okay.
You know what I mean?
Like, okay, if me and you both, if we're feeling stressed, anxious, fear, depression, if these are crippling us and dictating our lifestyle, that's not okay, right?
We don't want that, okay?
What we can say is it's normalized, it is normal.
Almost every person on the planet will go through that emotional imbalance because of the sinful world that we live in and the environment that's been created and the circumstances that we go through.
It's normal.
But for that to take a negative place in your life and to rob you of joy and peace and of kindness, that's not okay.
That is not where we want to be.
And so if we are in that place, and I was in that place, like, I put my hands up and I'm like, no, it's not okay to be where I'm at.
I know it's normal, but it's not okay.
I don't want to be here.
I want to actually know what the steps are for me to get out of this place.
And so for me, there was a period of my life where I struggled with anxiety, where that was a major problem for me because of different circumstances.
But for me, it was incremental.
So day by day by day, it got worse and worse and worse.
But I didn't, and yeah, the anxiety crippled me.
I struggled with panic attacks.
And my friends didn't know about it and what was going on.
I isolate myself.
And I got to a point where I needed, I needed medical help.
And it was really overwhelming.
And I got to a point where one night, it was only one night, but I genuinely felt an emptiness and a hollowness that I can't quite explain.
It was almost as if I was drowning.
And I seen the hands that were plunging through the water to try and help me.
But I couldn't do anything to get to those hands.
Or it's like even worse, I didn't have the desire to take the hand to help me.
And I just sort of thought to myself, I sort of want God to take me here.
I don't want to live anymore.
And again, it's the idea of the emotional imbalance.
I was completely unbalanced, and it brought me to an all-time low.
And it brought me to a place where God didn't want me to be.
And the reality is, I didn't understand my identity in Christ, and I didn't understand my purpose.
I wasn't in God's Word enough, which is my fault.
And it's honestly sinful that I was actively not getting in God's Word, because it's a commandment to obey the precepts, commandments of God, and to meditate on His Word.
And I was not doing that.
I was not praying to God as much as I should.
I was allowing stress and worry.
Whenever the circumstance came of stress and worry, I was allowing that to consume me and overcome me.
I was not turning to people.
And incrementally, it built up in my life into a very negative thing, and it caused panic attacks.
And the panic attacks in and of itself, I could have no control of, because it just happened.
But what I could have control of was everything up to that point that led to the panic attack.
Again, that's the idea of the point of that is symptomatic of something else, something deeper.
So that panic attack was symptomatic of just my relationship with Christ not being there, me not trusting in God.
And I was isolating myself off from people.
They were there.
And often it's not about, oh, people don't come to me, they don't invite me to things, but I can go to them and I can say, listen, can I?
Or I can get involved in church, I can get involved in things, or I can actively help people, and I can actively make the choice to choose joy and choose these things.
But I honestly didn't, I didn't.
On a day to day basis, I chose the opposite, and that built up and built up and built up into that emotional imbalance.
So that's my story.
And then what brought me out of that was my relationship with Christ, was getting into God's word, understanding my identity, understanding purpose, actually being evaluative in the way I thought, what was healthy, what was not, surrounding myself with people, getting myself with good environments, and all of these things that we've highlighted in this podcast.
Well, I've highlighted in this podcast.
And so that's all that we have to say in that.
It's a big topic and it's not like we're going to come back to it a lot.
So that's why it's all in this podcast.
But hopefully people are staying with us and that you stayed with us to hear Jake.
So Jake, tell us your story.
So, I'll just give a bit of a...
I'm not sure if the camera's still on, so like, I've no idea.
I'm actually going to pan out.
Okay.
Is it still on?
Oh, it's gone.
Oh, is it gone?
Yeah.
Okay.
So the camera has gone.
Keep going.
Definitely.
Gone.
Okay.
No problem.
We started again.
The camera's back on.
Oh, was it?
Yeah.
Okay.
So basically, just like a bit of a background story.
Before I suffered with my mental health, I am 17.
I was born on the 13th of September, 2004.
And I grew up with the most loving mom and dad.
And my mom was my biggest supporter.
Like any football tournaments I had, she was there.
And towards the later parts of her life, any golf tournaments I would have had, she was there.
I am big into school plays, love plays, I love singing, I love playing the guitar.
Like anytime I would have been doing that, she was always there.
And she was always my biggest encourager and biggest supporter.
So basically, my mom passed away in March of 2019, on the 6th of March.
And I was just taking out of school.
Dad was down in the office and basically just said, look, your mommy's been given a few hours to live.
And that's just the short story.
And basically a year on from that, friends, the Glasgow's took me to Green pastures in Balaamina.
And basically there was a man up giving his testimony.
And it's basically exactly how my mom had passed away.
Just alcoholism that affected their liver and then the liver failed and spread toxins around the body.
He was up giving his testimony about how that happened to him.
And basically the Pastor Jeff got up afterwards and said, I know there's a young boy here tonight that can resonate with this.
And I'd never been to the church before in my life.
And I put my hand up and he said, yeah, I thought that's so that's when I went down and gave my life to jesus.
So basically, as that time went on, I was starting to get into the Bible, learn more deep in my faith, get to know God more.
We had a school show in November of 2019 in Dominican.
It was called Calamity Dane.
And it was around this time I started struggling with an eating disorder.
It sort of got gradually worse day by day, where I'd come in from school and I wouldn't eat at all.
I'd get up in the morning, I'd have a black coffee, I'd eat a banana, a bagel, and that would be it.
And I'd really try my best to not eat.
I'm not sure why, but yeah, I just wouldn't really eat at all.
And that was the start of the whole downward spiral of I dropped into a big depression.
And it's not easy at all.
But then as I was coming out of the eating disorder, it got really, really bad.
And I basically spoke to my dad and made him aware of it.
And so as the lockdown was coming in March of 2020, I had like, I just said, I can't eat like this again.
It's, it ruined me.
It ruined my mental health.
And basically got myself back and do a somewhat normal side of eating.
And I know so many people, especially in recent few weeks, I know so many people in school who struggle with eating disorders and don't say anything about it.
And that was me.
I just didn't say anything at all.
And it's, see, when you talk to people about it, it opens your eyes to like how many people struggle with it.
And you're just, you've no idea what's going on.
So yeah, it was okay through sort of that time.
March, April, May, June, whole of summer, I was good, you know, the weather was good.
I was out playing golf.
I was training, you know, I was with my friends.
I was with my family.
Sort of restrictions were coming down.
So, you know, you could go out and you could basically do anything.
And it's when I went to school, was when I came back to school in September, was when I got really, really bad.
I really started suffering and I'm really, really struggling.
I was struggling with schoolwork.
Like I couldn't sit down for any more than 30 seconds and lose concentration because my head would dander off into, you know, what if I had done this?
What if I had done that?
I was just really struggling with schoolwork and even sitting in a class, like I couldn't look at the board.
It was too hard.
I'd basically just sit and stare at the desk or what was on the board and just think, just really deepening into my own thoughts.
And I struggled with school as well.
I really struggled with, I know what you were saying there about relationships.
I was really struggling with my relationships with people and teachers.
Like, I wouldn't talk.
I would isolate myself completely.
I wouldn't talk.
I just wouldn't, if I was asked a question in school, I couldn't answer it because I was so zoned out.
And yeah, I was just isolated myself.
I didn't really, I lost, I lost myself basically in school.
And as you know, I play a lot of golf, and I basically stopped playing golf.
I stopped training.
I had to take a break from golf because like I'm not an angry person.
You know, I'm not an angry person at all.
But I'd find myself, I mean, like as you were talking about the anger imbalance, your emotional imbalance, I found myself getting really angry really quickly.
And it was like rage.
It was rage that I felt in my stomach.
And it's anger that I've never felt before.
But like it came from the stomach.
And it's such a weird feeling.
It comes from the stomach and spreads the whole way around your body.
And you're just so angry and so agitated.
And yeah, I had to stop playing golf.
Like, you know how annoying it is to have a bad shot.
Like, I just lose the head completely.
And when my dad asked me why I'm not playing, I was just like, I can't.
I'm in no mind space to be out here playing because I'll probably do something really stupid.
And it's not me and it never has been me.
And golf, I know it's a sport, it does mean a lot to me.
And to lose something that you love a lot, it does affect you a lot mentally.
Because golf would have been the thing.
It can be, for anyone listening to the podcast, it can be running, it can be anything, like reading a book, that it just gets your head away from something.
That golf was my thing to get my head away from the things I was struggling with.
And it was a way just to switch off for a while.
And I lost that, and I was really struggling at home.
You come home and especially from September to February, March time, when the evenings are coming in, I come home from school and it would be dark.
It would just be me and my dad at the house.
Like it was really quiet.
And I struggled with that a lot.
Like I miss my mum a lot.
I still miss her so, so, so much.
And it was really apparent in that time that she wasn't there.
And that messed with me a lot, especially from September to March, February, February, March time.
And it was really, really hard at home.
I couldn't sit down at home because it was just me and my dad.
It was so quiet.
There was just silence.
And during all this time, I feel like it's important to mention that while I was struggling with my depression, I was struggling a lot with anxiety, especially in school.
That's why I couldn't talk to any of my friends, any of the teachers.
I found it really, really hard because I was really, really anxious.
I actually found it hard at a point to talk to my own family, especially like my cousins.
I'd go up to their house for a cup of tea, and I'd find it really, really hard to talk to them because I was so anxious in the situation.
But I had, I lost, it felt like I lost speech.
It was really weird.
But while all this was going on, I started having these dreams, and you know about these dreams, where a man would basically appear to me at night, and I would have an out of body experience, where I could basically watch myself sleep.
And he would tell me things about like my family, especially my mum, about what happened in their early lives, that actually ended up being true.
And I'm not totally sure how that got ingrained in my head.
I know it was the enemy attacking me, because he seen it was my biggest weakness.
You're most vulnerable when you're asleep.
And I would basically be taken out of my own body and told things that I didn't know.
And upon asking my dad, are these things true?
You know, they were.
And I basically watched myself sleep.
He'd take me around the house.
He'd show me around, like I could see his face.
It was so, so apparent in my own head.
And I really struggled with it.
And one night I prayed over it a lot.
I really, really did pray over it.
And one night I had this dream where, again, I was out of my own body.
And instead of the enemy that was in the corner, and showing me around the house and telling me things that I had never known, I woke up and there was a different person in the corner.
But he was facing the wall.
I know it was jesus.
And basically I had an out of body experience.
I could walk around the room, but I couldn't see his face.
He was just facing the wall.
And it was almost like someone was watching over me.
And I prayed over this a lot.
And especially waking up that next morning, I've never felt as much peace, because I felt like the dreams would never come back.
And they haven't come back since then.
And basically, in that out of body experience, when jesus was standing in the corner watching over me, my favourite verse was above my head when I was sleeping.
And it's in 1 Corinthians, where it says, and now these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
And that's a verse I can really resonate with, because especially with my mum, like she loved everyone around her, like she would have done anything.
And like, it was just really, really peaceful to know that jesus was watching over me, especially when I was struggling with them dreams.
And then sort of January, February time was, I was really, really incredibly low, where I would have came in, I wouldn't have spoke to dad.
I was really struggling in school.
I wouldn't do my work.
I'd try my best to do my work, but I would have made the teachers aware, like I am trying my best.
And basically, I wrote my dad a letter one day where I left the house, fully intending never to come back.
And I left my dad a note and just left it sitting on the kitchen table.
And I...
And what do you mean, never intending to come back?
Basically, to take my own life.
Yeah, it was to take my own life.
And basically, I'm not totally sure when I wrote this, but it was around the time I wrote this letter on my notes to myself.
But I didn't write, obviously, the note that I wrote to my dad on my notes.
This is the letter I wrote to myself.
And it was a couple of days later when I did act on it and wrote the note to my dad.
So it basically says, this is what I wrote in my own notes.
Life, you know the feeling where you've hit the absolute rock bottom.
I feel awful and I feel like I just want to die.
Dying would take all the pain away from me.
I'd be with my mom, I'd be with my father in heaven.
I'd be at true peace with myself.
I used to love this.
Now it's turned me into this.
And this is like the depressed state that I was in, where I felt like I completely lost myself.
And then I continued on by saying, I feel like I'm losing control of my life, my thoughts.
I feel like I'm changing in a way that nobody likes.
And I have two options.
Option one is to try my best to make a change.
And option two is to simply just end the pain and suffering.
And then I go on to say, this life ain't easy and I might see another day, you never know.
And I really hope I do.
I can make a change, but I just don't know when.
And obviously I have made a change.
I'm sitting here today and certainly much happier more content and more on fire for God than I ever have been.
And it's nice.
It's really, really nice to feel.
But yeah, I left the house, fully intending never to come back and walked along the cliff path.
And I mean, I was so close.
I was so, so close.
I had taken a step and I took another step.
And then I was literally on the railing and like centimeters.
And it felt like someone was telling me I had a lot more to give and I could help people.
And it's just something wouldn't let me do it.
It's like I went, but it was like a barrier was stopping me.
And it just wouldn't let me do it.
And I went around to my auntie's house and spoke to her and basically just broke down completely.
And only like a couple of my friends knew this was going on.
And nobody in my family at the time knew this was going on until, I think it's important to mention as well, through this whole time I was getting counselling.
So my family was aware I was getting counselling, but they weren't aware that this was going on.
Then basically a few days after I wrote the letter, I took my dad's, dad suffers a lot of migraines, and I took his medication out of the cupboard.
And it was just me in the house, me and the dogs, and took his medication out of the cupboard.
And basically I read in the back of it, like excessive consumption in this product can make you really sleepy.
And I was like, I can end this, I can end this now.
All pain will be over.
I don't have to be sad.
I can choose to end this now.
And I basically dropped them completely.
As I took some out of the pocket, I dropped them and I rang Childline.
And I was panicking.
I was really, really panicking because I'd lost myself completely.
And basically rang them and realised that I can't live like this anymore.
And as I wrote in that note, whereas I had two options, I can make a change or end it completely.
When I rang Childline, I chose to make the change.
And I really, really did pray over it a lot to bring myself back.
And at the start of the whole counselling process, I was asked, you know, like, what's your goal?
What's your goal coming out of this?
And my goal was to get the 10, 11-year-old Jake back.
That literally found everything funny.
Like, I'd be lying on the floor laughing at some things.
Like, I just found the happy in life.
I've always found the good in things.
And I lost it very quickly during this time.
And I do get, I'm still in the long road process, but I do get little glimpses of that 10, 11-year-old kid coming back.
And it's nice to see.
And I certainly feel God more and more with me every day as I pray more and more over it.
And I pray more and more over it for other people who would struggle with it in school, at church, at Exodus.
I pray over it a lot for people who really, really struggle with it because it's not easy.
I completely lost myself.
I struggled to sleep, especially with the dreams.
I isolated myself from my family, friends.
I wouldn't talk because I was so anxious.
And it wasn't nice at all, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely at the other end.
Certainly more fire for God and much, much happier than I was.
So, yeah.
There we go.
Dang.
I just slacked my elbow.
Yeah.
honestly, I hope people listen to the full podcast, to be honest with you.
Like, they have to read that story.
We were supposed to have questions.
53 minutes in.
What I would say is, for you, Jake, how much help was it actually evaluating yourself and seeing the areas that were issues or problems in your life, like actually identifying the problems or the reasons or the causes for why this thinking came about, this emotional imbalance, that is your state of mind?
Did you think that was important, like to be able to reflect yourself and to talk things through to people and get other people to see why you thought?
Massively.
Massively.
For anyone listening right now, like it is vitally important to talk because I kept it in and I had to talk about it because if I had kept it in any longer, I would have really, really, really struggled.
But certainly, like taking a step back and evaluating yourself, you know, watch your triggers.
My triggers were at home, like especially with my dad, where he'd be like, dad calls me tripper.
So he's like, oh tripper, do you want to go out for dinner?
And I'm like, yeah, sure.
Get a big steak or something like, but it would just be me and him going out for dinner.
And especially struggling with an eating disorder at the same time, where you just didn't want to eat.
Like, and then you don't have your mom there.
It's just you and him.
You don't want to eat.
You have to really take a step back and evaluate what your triggers are.
And I really think it was vitally important to speak about it.
And then evaluate what your triggers were.
And just as an example, one of mine was at home when it was really quiet.
All I could think about was my mom.